Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A Bit O' French Polish

by Anon

A master craftsman Albert were,
French Polisher by trade.
They always said 'e'd put a shine,
on anythin' yer'd made.

It were lucky that Old Albert,
was still around t'day.
'Cos, when 'e were only learnin' like,
'e caused a right affray.

It were on 'is biggest job so far,
an' it were goin' great.
'E were doin' a coffin for Tom Maguire,
who'd passed 'is sell by date.

'E'd done the outside really well,
showed all the grain in t' wood.
Then thought 'e'd do the inside up,
t' make it look right good.

Now Tom 'ad gone all stiff like,
an' Albert really toiled.
T' get the bugger out o' box,
'e squirted 'im with oil.

Tom were put in t' corner,
an covered with a sheet.
Then Albert started in the box,
but promptly fell asleep.

An 'our or two 'e lay there,
then woke up with a start.
As the coffin 'e were layin in,
were dropped onto the cart.

The lid? well it were screwed down tight,
hermetically sealed.
The only sound that Albert 'eard,
were the squeakin' of the wheels.

Then 'e 'eard the organ,
an' the vicars voice that boomed.
Though Albert shouted out right loud,
'e felt impendin' doom.

All alone 'e lay there,
in the box as black as night.
Till 'e found 'is box o' matches,
an' set 'is polishin' cloth alight.

Ashes to ashes an' dust t' dust,
is as far as t' vicar got.
When someone shouted out from t' back.
"What's that smoke comin' out o' box?"

By now, Albert were well aglow,
an' flames shot out the lid.
'E rolled an' banged about so much,
that off the stand 'e slid.

Landin' at the vicars feet,
the coffin split apart.
An' Albert came forth from it.
"By eck," 'e sez, "that smarts!"

It were just 'im and the vicar,
cos everyone else 'ad fled.
"It's a miracle!" Sez the vicar.
"Yer've come back from the dead!"

"Don't be daft," sez Albert,
"yer were tryin' t' do wrong one.
If yer 'ang on 'alf an 'our,
I'll go an' get Old Tom."

So Albert drags Old Tom in,
t' the sound of oohs an' sobs.
Then, just t' make amends like,
'e polished up Toms clogs.

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